Queer Desire Party

A Queer Desire Party (abbreviated “QDP”) is a structured gathering focused on getting queer folks together, building skill in speaking our desires openly, saying and hearing “yes” and “no” to these expressions of desire with care and joy, and getting to explore desires that may not be“normal”, acceptable, or accessible in more every-day settings.

There are two main activities at a QDP. First is the “No Round”, where we practice voicing desires and hearing “no”. Second is a game where people take turns stating a desire and negotiating how they might act on it with help from the group. There are also some structured check-ins to help people get acquainted, help things flow smoothly, and allow for feedback.

At a QDP, we focus on autonomy - each person’s ability to determine what they want and what they will do. There are many things that can limit our autonomy, even when we’re interacting with friends. Intimacy and desire are often transactional (you give me something in order to get something you need), codependent (you meet my needs because we are so entwined that saying “no” doesn’t feel like an option), or script-driven (you ask for certain things, and I respond in certain ways, because that’s what we are “supposed” to do in the situation). Together, these norms mean that coercion is a normal part of intimacy in most settings.

A QDP is built to purposefully counteract these norms, and give us a supportive space to practice making decisions that feel good for us and communicating about them openly. By working together to build the skills to meet our needs for connection and pleasure outside of coercive social norms, we can make pleasure and intimacy more abundant in our communities, and make those communities less susceptible to sexual coercion. This practice can also let us explore ways of relating that are more fulfilling and affirming than “normal” ways of finding intimacy.

More resources (QDP cards, HTML version) coming soon. Also available at bit.ly/RADContentLibrary.